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Democracy for the Middle East

 May 04, 2003

DFME Confesses

Picking up where Jonah Goldberg left off, Georgetown prof Robert Lieber rebuts the latest neocon-conspiracy theories.

Ultimately, the neocon-conspiracy theory misinterprets as a policy coup a reasoned shift in grand strategy that the Bush administration has adopted in responding to an ominous form of external threat... to characterize it in conspiratorial terms is not only a failure to weigh policy choices on their merits, but represents a detour into the fever swamps of political demagoguery.

Be that as it may, DFME has a small confession to make. We're the Jews who control Bush.

That's right, it isn't Kristol or Perle. It's us. It happened like this. A few months before the last election three well dressed gentiles showed up at our office in the Chrysler Building, claiming to be up to big things, but having a tough time telling a tinpot from a tinhorn. So we said: "Thanks for coming fellas, but statecraft isn't our thing - we're just bloggers."

Then Rumsfeld, or was it Bush - one of them asked for some matzoh. "No problem", we said. (It's literally stacked in cases here next to the gold.) But after a few bites the trouble began.

"Please, please take us into your power," they begged.

"Not this again", we said. "Didn't we have enough trouble helping you fake the landing on the moon?"

"Oy gevalt", they wailed, "we honestly don't know what to do this time. God forbid we should get elected, it'll be a real mess. Help us out, huh?"

Moishi looked at Sam who let out a sigh, pushed his yarmulke forward on his brow and shot a glance over to Jakey. Jakey was too busy running Saudi Arabia to look up but motioned that someone should wake up Abey. So the Golem who brings us the Christian babies shouted "Abey, oifschtein!", and then what do you think happened? Abie sat up, got sick and puked his guts. Whether it was the blood, the herring, or the sight of the golem adjusting Cheney's phylacteries - I don't know. But that's when Jakey's two year old, the hedge fund manager, got on the cell to his mother."Net net, Mama - it's a real opportunity to oppress people", Itzy explained while sticking a pickle in Uncle Rummy's mouth.

Hendl who was shopping for gefilte fish with her mother-in-law, and who could barely hear the kid over the Israeli medivac chopper, didn't understand what was going on. But she said that as long as she, Jakey, both sets of parents, and the seventeen children could sleep in the White House now and again, we could do it. The three shlamazels agreed, got themselves elected, and so now DFME runs American foreign policy. There, it's out.

[Related link: Without A Horse]

Home . Posted by Editor at May 4, 2003 12:19 AM . DFME's new internet address is www.dfme.org

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